You ain't seen nothin' yet!

I read this post on Comments is Free last week, but decided against putting it on the Poliblogs simply because of how self indulgent and embarrassing a piece of writing it really is. But now I think - what better reason do I need for posting something on the Poliblogs!? This is "former" Tory Mayoral candidate, the poptastic Mike Read. Essentially it is no-hoper, Mike Reid, gallantly backing down as a Tory candidate for the London Mayor job soon after Boris announces he is putting his hat in the ring.

Good old Mike not only makes way for Boris, but he offers him some advice to boost his chances. He uses the language that even the Daily Mail would think was alarmist, tries to sound "down with the kids" (or crews) and wants to put police men in every single tube station - great way to take them off streets Mike.

Apologies for those who have read this already, but here are some extracts. I strongly recommend reading the whole thing if you haven't already.

"I've decided not to stand as mayor of London, but I'm getting behind the man who I hope will raise the city's profile and improve life for Londoners." - I wonder why?

"It was not Boris Johnson standing that made me think twice at the eleventh hour, but the change in the voting system." – yeah right, nothing at all to do with the fact Boris would wipe the floor with you?

"Last October, having spoken for the third time at a Conservative conference many influential and political figures encouraged me to stand as London mayor, resulting in many people in the party urging me forward." – Name one of them. Go on. Just one.

"It's essential for Boris to be much, much tougher on the persistently antisocial, making sure that rapists, murderers and paedophiles have no place, and never will, on the streets of London, and will not threaten civilised society." – Rapists? Murderers? Paedophiles? I’m sure Boris will appreciate your insight in to the average “Man on the Street”. Even Paul Dacre wouldn’t swallow this nonsense.

"I've spoken to lots of young kids in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known and most want to get out of a way of life that gives them nothing." – When do you meet up with these “crews” exactly? I bet they thought you were cool.

"I'd like to see Boris push for a police officer on every tube entrance/exit so that underground miscreants know that their exit route is effectively sealed." How many policeman doing bugger all, all day do you think that will add up to? It’ll really solve London’s crime problems – pack the coppers underground and get them off the streets.

"Scrap the congestion charge and put the life back into London trading." Even the most ardent opponent of the CC now concedes it was a good idea Mike – keep up.

"...set up mayoral shops as an information point for tourists and to sell merchandise such as maps, London T shirts, flags, souvenirs and so on." What sort of a Mayoral policy is this? Why not go further and have a Multicoloured Swap Shop on every corner of every street in Zone One?

"As I've decided not to stand, I'm going to get behind the man who is. I'll be available, if needed, to help Boris raise London's spirit and profile and become London mayor." Ken will be pleased.

I'm still not sure if it's really just a spoof...

The whole article is here - enjoy! (Scroll down to the comments for an extra laugh bonus at the end)